Howard Smith "Interstates confuse me."
Larry Israel Scrawled on a napkin taped to his door: "F#%$. I can't move. Scraping floors is not for me. I can't feel my knees and I have diarrhea. F#$% you guys. Don't try to wake me up!" I actually kept this note for years.
Cody Miller "My child died." The MOST AWFUL EXCUSE I have ever heard. Come to find out, he never even had children.
Brian Sheridan "I decided to drive to Georgia—won't be in." We live in Vermont.
Scott Bowman "My girlfriend wet the bed, so I went to the sofa. The alarm went off, but she was too embarrassed to wake me."
Rick Bufalini "My guinea pig died; I need to get it cremated."
Jason Hicks Well, I'm the boss now, but this really happened to me when I lived in Jackson Hole, Wyo., and was an employee. I had to call my boss and tell him I would be late because a moose wouldn't let me leave the house. The moose kept charging me when I tried to get from the front door to my Jeep.
Beaver Hardwood "My hepatitis flared up." No, I didn't misspell or exaggerate. That is what he told me.
Howard Smith "I have anal glaucoma. I can't see my a$$ coming to work today."
Vince Fleming For the sixth time... his grandmother's funeral!
Steven Triplett Jr. "I can't come to work today. They gave my grandma the wrong type of blood again." AGAIN?! This was the second time he called in sick using this one. Supposedly the hospital gets confused sometimes and gives grandma a blood transfusion with the wrong blood type. WTF, right?
David Fuller True story: My employee said his cousin's next door neighbor's uncle had got in an accident and he had to take him to the hospital at three in the morning. "OK," I said, "What's his name?" He couldn't remember.